IT'S SCARY

Our submission to the Heinz "Hungry for Fame?" ketchup commercial contest.

More on Eggs and Chickens

From Ernest Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises (New York: Scribner, 1926):

We unwrapped the little parcels of lunch.
"Chicken."
"There's hard-boiled eggs."
"Find any salt?"
"First the egg," said Bill. "Then the chicken."

Executive Thrasher

What happens when a high-power exec dreams of skateboarding in Shaw? This is what happens.

Skateboarding Videos

Not everyone likes skateboard videos, but enough people do that they get made on a pretty regular basis. If you want to make a successful skateboard video, here are a few clues:

1) Show several tricks leading up to a huge trick at the beginning of the "part."

2) Show the same trick, first at regular speed, then in slow motion, from multiple angles. Spending that much video time on one trick just automatically makes it seem gnarly. In addition, it eats up video time like crazy. Ideally, a single trick will take thirty seconds to watch after all the slow-mo angles are done.

3) Intercut with the featured skater doing some gnarly things. This style appears at the front as a montage, with fighting security guards, getting drunk, etc. If the skating stunts aren't working out, it's always possible to just jam out with some sophomoric antics.

Is it possible that this is a teaser for a video about a female DC executive who blows off steam by skateboarding?

No it is not possible that this be that teaser.

Writing Telos

From the Times review of Knocked Up:

Alison is somewhat more hesitant, not about the incipient child but about staying with Ben, whose hold on maturity is less sure than his grip on his favorite bong.

It's frightening to think that this is where writers end up: a good sentence; parallel structure; sure, concrete imagery; it's even kind of a joke. But punchiness has been sac'd for tightness, and no one under 35 would've banged out a sentence like that.

To dream of writing film reviews for the Times is akin to dreaming of marriage; we all kind of want it but we are justifiably afraid of the stylistic compromises we'll have to make. (Shit I'm already on my way.)

I Live in Terror of My Image

I was somewhat-happily typing away messages to a lady I had known in Delaware (for unknown reasons, romance is often falsely kindled by America Online software) when I saw a dear old friend emerge from offline. It was at this point that I made two mistakes - one minor, one extremely grave.

In my effort to double-click my friend's buddy name (a clever allusion to a musical group he enjoys), I accidentally double-clicked on Santa Claus, with whom I cannot claim more than passing connection. The window opened, and I barely saved myself from chatting up he who knows if I've been sleeping. A quick click and I was safely back on track to speak with my dear friend (no offense intended to Father Christmas, of course). That was my first mistake, and it was easily remedied.

The second mistake, however, proved much more fatal. I accidentally clicked on a green camera symbol next to the name of the Delaware lady, and suddenly was plunged into a face-to-face appearance that yielded results of which I am neither proud nor at privilege to speak. Suffice it to say that there was embarrassment on both sides, and an actual rekindlement of feelings previously merely professed for basic amusements. Inclusion of any more detail would cross into indecency. I am ashamed enough - question me no further.

The deadliness of this video communication cannot be overstressed. Like the atomic bomb and Olestra, this technology was best left in the minds of speculative-fiction writers and out of actual life.

Inaugural Production

The maiden voyage of the SS Water and HMS Vegetables discovered a New World today, a world in which Memento is spoofed. The native is Bill, a man who cannot stop reading. His condition, folks, leads to tragedy. Enjoy, if you can.