Transcript of a Video Blog in Response to Jerry Falwell's Death

An internet video obituary for deceased religious figure Jerry Falwell surfaced sometime yesterday, but was quickly removed. Water and Vegetables provides a transcript of the video with consent of its creator, on condition that he remain anonymous (he appears below as "Vlogger").

[Vlogger is sitting in front of a Web cam at his desk]

Vlogger: Jerry Falwell died today.
I guess he didn't Feel Well [laughs].
Man, that guy was such a prick. He was always saying people were going to hell.
I bet you're in hell now Jerry Falwell.

[Vlogger stands up, begins beating a pinata with a photo of Falwell pasted onto it]

Vlogger: [In a singsong voice] You are so fat, you are now dead. Die Jerry Falwell die. You suck fatty.

[Pinata breaks]

Vlogger: Ohhh . . . YEAH!

[Vlogger returns to sit in front of his webcam]

[Eats candy]

Vlogger: Mmm this candy is so good . . .
Mmmm . . .
. . .
Moral ma-chocolatey!

So tasty and sweet.

[Vlogger Pauses and looks at candy]

[Vlogger looks back at beaten effigy of Jerry Falwell]

[Drops candy, wipes chocolate from mouth]

Vlogger: Jerry falwell died today.

. . .

I'm sorry.

Weightlifting Tips

-Always lift more than you should. Fitness "experts" make safety rules to keep you from getting as strong as you could be.
-Cool confidence translates to weightlifting success. Soak yourself in a tub of ice water before pumping the iron.
-Do not use pumps (air, water, penis) on dumbbells. This is a silly idea.
-Hate going to the gym? Get a job lifting heavy objects (e.g. throwing rocks at birds). This way you kill two birds with one stone.
-Ladies love muscles, but they also love guys who smoke. Smoking hurts more than going to the gym in the long term ,but it is also much more habit-forming.

ACLU Gonzo Ad in NYT

The ACLU took out an ad on the Times' web site today, the basic conceit of which is that Habeas Corpus is a little cartoon dude who doesn't look too happy. The little guy's been kidnapped and you're looking at the side of a milk carton showing some basic info about his last known whereabouts. Here's a pic from the ACLU site (habeas.gif):



The incitement is to a letter-writing campaign to congress urging our -persons to get on that shit and start looking for Habeas Corpus. The cuteness doesn't stop there, though. The site also refers to Habeas Corpus as "Habeas," as though he were a little tike. On the playground they probably called him Habe for short or teased him occasionally by calling him "Habe-ASS." A quiet little green kid, a little troubled, but generally well-behaved and likeable. That is, before he was kidnapped and molested by some pervy old guy whose web cache, as it would later be shown, includes lots of Google Images searches for "Constitutional Rights Nude," and "Due Process Naked."

Find Habeas

I Was Trolling for Animals; Instead I Rolled up on Moby

The idea was simple, a joke about vlogging my dolphin, so I trucked over to YouTube for some cute videos of dolphins for a vlog. Instead, I wound up with a video of cute literal dolphins being actually flogged. [Warning this video is both graphic and HEAVY.]



Soundtrack by Moby. Narration by Joaquin Phoenix. Jokes about "flogging the dolphin" will never be the same. :'(