New Idea for Advertising Co Creatives: Add Pomo Spunk to Your Ads

Yeah the image is from adbustars and is a little ridic but it was quick and dirty so "what're you gonna do" and all that. Moving on . . .

A bus just rolled by with an ad on the side that said

Add more home to your home.

Which is funny in itself, but could've been better with a simple subtraction.

To all you who work in the add industry: If any of your ads contain the word "add," just drop that final d and suddenly you've got a Geiko subcontract that includes the fastest meta-statement ever:

Ad more home to your home.

Similarly, if your ad already mentions the fact that it is an ad, just add that "d" back on. You people are not "ad" men, you're "add" men. As in "added value."

The kids will love it. Marketing is still an art, people. Start acting like it.

Against the Use of "Whopping"

From a New York Times article about How Hard It Is To Get Into A Good School:

That is a whopping 50 percent increase in applications over seven years ago and more than 10 times the seats available in a freshman class of 1,150. (emphasis added with bold instead of italics)

"Whopping" - an unoriginal, informal, and generally worthless word - saps any statement's vitality. Besides its informality (and the irritating detail that "to whop" really isn't a thing to do . . . yet), it fails in its attempt to conceal the writer's hunger. A solution that is both more lively and more honest:

That is a hamburgering 50 percent increase in applications over seven years ago and more than 10 times the seats available in a freshman class of 1,150. (emphasis added with bold instead of italics)

Imagine a meat tenderizer wielded by a mighty stack of college applications (fifty percent larger than last year). The stack, clad in Roman body armor, cudgels, muddles, and pestles countless hapless applicants until they look like juicy patties. Then they get shipped off to Hamburger University to do the Roy Krocarena at frat-sponsored dance parties.

It's about time editorial bylaws showed some damn chutzpah. So look alive, confused bastards; there's a new style manual just up the block. Even if it is not yet very extensive, it isn't afraid to wage war, and its name rhymes with "blogger and meta-fables."

New Drinks

Bo-Ring:


Tired of drinking Duck Farts and Blow Jobs all the time, Water and Vegetables brings to you several new drinks to try out the next time you're getting a slant on.

Dick-tini

Martini Glass, Chilled
-Chill 1.5 oz Hypnotiq
-Serve with Lemon, Lime, Cherry, Orange, Banana [!]

Julius Caesar

Shot Glass
-23 plastic toothpicks

Amy Winehouse

House
-Fill house with wine, girls named Amy

Mean Bartender

Pint Glass, Ice
-Fill with water

Cut-off Customer (true story)

Pint Glass
-Fill with piss
-Serve neat

Beaten Puppy

-On second thought, don't make this drink. It is too sad to drink.

Slate Magazine

Highball Glass, Ice
-1 oz rum
-Fill with coke
-Yell at the customer "What REALLY goes in a rum and coke?!"
-Say 500 words to the effect of "Rum and coke go in a rum and coke."

Los Angeles Iced Tea
-This is just iced tea
-Spelled "Ice-T"

Weightlifting Tips

-Always lift more than you should. Fitness "experts" make safety rules to keep you from getting as strong as you could be.
-Cool confidence translates to weightlifting success. Soak yourself in a tub of ice water before pumping the iron.
-Do not use pumps (air, water, penis) on dumbbells. This is a silly idea.
-Hate going to the gym? Get a job lifting heavy objects (e.g. throwing rocks at birds). This way you kill two birds with one stone.
-Ladies love muscles, but they also love guys who smoke. Smoking hurts more than going to the gym in the long term ,but it is also much more habit-forming.

Family Recipe Idea

During an otherwise ordinary attempt at making a chicken sandwich for lunch today, my eyes settled briefly on the eggs posted up on the shelf in the fridge. This begs the question: are there any recipes combining chicken with eggs? It'd be kind of like eating a whole family at once.

According to an extremely brief, Google search, soulful/southern Americans, the Greeks, and the Portuguese (at the very minimum) engage in this form of culinary incest already. To the great pantheon of family cuisine, I am privileged to offer the following recipes.

Chicken with Eggs.

1 chicken breast
3 to 5 eggs

Grill chicken breast. Scramble eggs. Eat that mess all together on a single plate/platter. Serves 1.

Coming up: Hamburger sandwich. Only instead of bread, we use veal.



These cows are British. Does that make a difference to you? Because it shouldn't.

Also: The Greeks cook roosters as well.