New Drinks

Bo-Ring:


Tired of drinking Duck Farts and Blow Jobs all the time, Water and Vegetables brings to you several new drinks to try out the next time you're getting a slant on.

Dick-tini

Martini Glass, Chilled
-Chill 1.5 oz Hypnotiq
-Serve with Lemon, Lime, Cherry, Orange, Banana [!]

Julius Caesar

Shot Glass
-23 plastic toothpicks

Amy Winehouse

House
-Fill house with wine, girls named Amy

Mean Bartender

Pint Glass, Ice
-Fill with water

Cut-off Customer (true story)

Pint Glass
-Fill with piss
-Serve neat

Beaten Puppy

-On second thought, don't make this drink. It is too sad to drink.

Slate Magazine

Highball Glass, Ice
-1 oz rum
-Fill with coke
-Yell at the customer "What REALLY goes in a rum and coke?!"
-Say 500 words to the effect of "Rum and coke go in a rum and coke."

Los Angeles Iced Tea
-This is just iced tea
-Spelled "Ice-T"

Look Back and Laugh

I saw this shirt, albeit with white lettering on green cotton, in front of a Lakewood, WA tavern known as the Green Pup.

I laughed at first at a man so silly and frivolous. His sunglasses were tinted purple like Bono's, and his jeans were so tight as to constrict his movements to a penguin-like walk.

After he passed, though, I had a moment to reflect. His shirt bore an odd familiarity, and I thought I'd caught faint traces of a familiar scent as he passed by. "Red Jeans" by Gianni Versace. Portia! The lying minx had gotten her vixen together behind my back, and with a lowlife metrosexual to boot. My eyes welled up with tears. My mind raced. I felt my pulse reach the Target Heart Rate Zone for cardiovascular exercise. The cheating bitch!

I should have known trouble was coming the day she bought that curious shirt. But how could I have? Worn by her, it was a mere passing joke, punctuated by a painful reminder that its humor was a cheap crackerjack, a fleeting moment's novelty that would soon pass. "Go ahead and laugh / This is [merely] your girlfriend's shirt [and this joke will soon wear thin]." If only I'd known that such malice had been nurtured in Portia's heart. The very premeditation of the act made it the most sick. So I endeavored to hurt her in kind.

I'm Gonna Git You Sucka

Have you ever imagined a vampire movie where the vampire can't find anyone to prey on because he/she is worried about consuming the blood of questionable purity?

Movies, like, are like vampires, right? They don't exist. Or so you thought.

Discuss.

Dick and Jane Learn to Blog

Slugging it out over movie ideas and top-secret projects left little humor in the vats today, so I stirred up a brief iChat conversation to inspire a post (for those that don't know, my buddy icon is a gingerbread man and my friend's is a butterfly):

[Gingerbread Man]: i need a joke
[Butterfly]: 8-)
[Gingerbread Man]: haha
[Gingerbread Man]: nice
[Gingerbread Man]: it's going on the blog
[Butterfly]: this is why i'm hot
[Butterfly]: 8-)
[Gingerbread Man]: 8-)

It could be a children's book. In olden days, kids' books were to teach them to read. In the world of tomorrow (the TOMORROW ZONE) they will teach kids to IM and blog.

Short Film Idea

Someone should make a short movie about a character who compulsively finishes reading whatever he starts.

Key scenes:

Intro voiceover where narrator talks, Memento-style, about his "condition," and the necessary steps he must take to keep himself from starting to read things. These include:

-Flashback shot of the guy throwing away all his books, after he first developed his condition.
-Flip-down shades with opaque lenses for when he's out in the world.
-"How severe is my condition? If I logged on to the Internet, I'd probably die within a couple of days, of starvation."

Flash to scenes documenting his troubles. This can be a quick montage including:

-Running alongside a bus, reading a particularly lengthy advertisement posted on the side.
-Character is on couch in front of TV. Roommate wants to watch TV. Small confrontation, roommate produces a book and sneaks it into character's field of view. Character begins reading, mutters "dammit." Roommate takes remote.
-Scene at work. Character sitting at desk with two large piles of paper. After character finishes reading a sheet of paper, he flips it over to the other pile. Boss approaches, asks why memos haven't been passed out yet. Character replies, "It'll be a couple more hours. I'm passing them out as fast as I can."
-On a date with a girl in a restaurant. Waiter comes by, character is reading wine list.
Waiter: "Have you decided yet?"
Character: "I'll need a few more minutes."

Weightlifting Tips

-Always lift more than you should. Fitness "experts" make safety rules to keep you from getting as strong as you could be.
-Cool confidence translates to weightlifting success. Soak yourself in a tub of ice water before pumping the iron.
-Do not use pumps (air, water, penis) on dumbbells. This is a silly idea.
-Hate going to the gym? Get a job lifting heavy objects (e.g. throwing rocks at birds). This way you kill two birds with one stone.
-Ladies love muscles, but they also love guys who smoke. Smoking hurts more than going to the gym in the long term ,but it is also much more habit-forming.

Family Recipe Idea

During an otherwise ordinary attempt at making a chicken sandwich for lunch today, my eyes settled briefly on the eggs posted up on the shelf in the fridge. This begs the question: are there any recipes combining chicken with eggs? It'd be kind of like eating a whole family at once.

According to an extremely brief, Google search, soulful/southern Americans, the Greeks, and the Portuguese (at the very minimum) engage in this form of culinary incest already. To the great pantheon of family cuisine, I am privileged to offer the following recipes.

Chicken with Eggs.

1 chicken breast
3 to 5 eggs

Grill chicken breast. Scramble eggs. Eat that mess all together on a single plate/platter. Serves 1.

Coming up: Hamburger sandwich. Only instead of bread, we use veal.



These cows are British. Does that make a difference to you? Because it shouldn't.

Also: The Greeks cook roosters as well.