I Live in Terror of My Image

I was somewhat-happily typing away messages to a lady I had known in Delaware (for unknown reasons, romance is often falsely kindled by America Online software) when I saw a dear old friend emerge from offline. It was at this point that I made two mistakes - one minor, one extremely grave.

In my effort to double-click my friend's buddy name (a clever allusion to a musical group he enjoys), I accidentally double-clicked on Santa Claus, with whom I cannot claim more than passing connection. The window opened, and I barely saved myself from chatting up he who knows if I've been sleeping. A quick click and I was safely back on track to speak with my dear friend (no offense intended to Father Christmas, of course). That was my first mistake, and it was easily remedied.

The second mistake, however, proved much more fatal. I accidentally clicked on a green camera symbol next to the name of the Delaware lady, and suddenly was plunged into a face-to-face appearance that yielded results of which I am neither proud nor at privilege to speak. Suffice it to say that there was embarrassment on both sides, and an actual rekindlement of feelings previously merely professed for basic amusements. Inclusion of any more detail would cross into indecency. I am ashamed enough - question me no further.

The deadliness of this video communication cannot be overstressed. Like the atomic bomb and Olestra, this technology was best left in the minds of speculative-fiction writers and out of actual life.

Inaugural Production

The maiden voyage of the SS Water and HMS Vegetables discovered a New World today, a world in which Memento is spoofed. The native is Bill, a man who cannot stop reading. His condition, folks, leads to tragedy. Enjoy, if you can.

How to Turn an Airpot Hottie into a Bedroom Hottie

The airport teems with hotties. It may be the only respectable location outside the baseball stadium where well-put-together ladies congregate for no apparent reason. Here are some tips for bagging that special someone fate put next to you on the plane:

-At the check-in desk, scan for hotties. If there is one nearby, listen to where she is going. If you are going to the same place, say in a bemused way, "Hey! We're going to the same place!" Do this even if you are not going to the same place. This should yield a smile if not some sort of boob-flash.

-At security, offer to help a hottie get her bags off the conveyor belt. Do NOT say "Hey baby let me get your bags off." Rather, reach for the handle of her suitcase just as she is going for it. Your hands will touch, she will give a start, then your eyes will meet. Movies show this kind of thing happening between high-school lab partners all the time. If it can work for John Cusack, it can work for you (words to live by).

-If your hottie is flying first-class, make sure to upgrade your ashy ass out of coach. Like Trina, this lady is "high maintenance." Do not be deterred, though. Use the $20 you were going to spend on Playboy and Wendy's to buy yourself a scotch and her a champagne.

-When they pass out the airline meals, offer to finish whatever your hottie doesn't eat. What better way to bond than over a shared dinner?

-Make sure everyone on the plane knows you are a big shot. If the person in front of you leans back their seat, kick it repeatedly and yell "What The Hell Are You Doing?! Your Seat Is Right In My Fucking Face!!!!" (true story). Ladies do not go for wimps; they go for alpha males. Get em, tiger.

-Tell plenty of scary stories about planes crashing. When you encounter turbulence, simply put your arm around her shaking shoulders and tell her "Everything is okay." Go for a feel. If she calls you on it, you can blame the "slip" on the turbulence. You gotta know if them jubs is real.

-If there is someone of Mid-Eastern origin on the flight, attack them with a wine key and accuse them of terrorism (Remember United 93?). Even though the assailee is definitely innocent of your accusations, no one will question your motives; these are patriotic times, you sly dog you.

-After the plane has touched down safely, say, "Well, looks like this is goodbye." Then "accidentally" run into your hottie at the baggage claim, offering to share a cab to her home. This always works.

Any of these techniques can work on its own, but in combinations, these moves are guaranteed sack-fillers. Booyah.

We Were Wrong about Lightbulbs and Human Heads; The Results Were Disastrous

You thought that lightbulbs were mainly for replacing human heads in silly drawings. Don't feel bad - we did too:



Until now. Tune in soon.

Brief Study in Socio-Linguistics

A: So I heard Jimmy's going to lawschool, and -

B: When you say "heard," do you really mean "read on facebook"?

A: Man you knew that's what I meant, why'd you have to call me out like that?

How Do You Spell The Sound You Make When Something Stinks?

Peeeyou?
P.U?
Peeeeeeyew?
Peeeyooo?

What are we saying when we say this word/phrase/abbreviation?

Wikipedia's answer

New Idea for Advertising Co Creatives: Add Pomo Spunk to Your Ads

Yeah the image is from adbustars and is a little ridic but it was quick and dirty so "what're you gonna do" and all that. Moving on . . .

A bus just rolled by with an ad on the side that said

Add more home to your home.

Which is funny in itself, but could've been better with a simple subtraction.

To all you who work in the add industry: If any of your ads contain the word "add," just drop that final d and suddenly you've got a Geiko subcontract that includes the fastest meta-statement ever:

Ad more home to your home.

Similarly, if your ad already mentions the fact that it is an ad, just add that "d" back on. You people are not "ad" men, you're "add" men. As in "added value."

The kids will love it. Marketing is still an art, people. Start acting like it.

In which Google Images Illustrates Dialog Overheard in a Cafe

"Water is one of the only things in the world that will do this."



"It wants to be so friendly with itself"



"The question is how do I turn this around?"



"It's not a lot of money."



"I don't remember. I've had this notebook. I started meeting last summer."

Start Making $____ Today

From a Gmail targeted ad:

Fool.com: The Motley Fool - Start Making $67,000 Today - 50 minutes ago

It occurs to me that one can "Start Making" any amount of money on any given day. All one has to do is make some of that money.

I'm going to "Start Making" a million dollars today, by going to work and adding ca. $50 to my paycheck.

Also, I get a lot of targeted Gmail ads from Web sites containing the word "fool," like "coffeefool.com." Is there a hidden message here? What does Google think of me?

P.S. Multiple posts today are attempted make-up from hungover day off yesterday.

P.P.S. Also prepare for video content to start leaking from the paintcans (full of lead).

Transcript of a Video Blog in Response to Jerry Falwell's Death

An internet video obituary for deceased religious figure Jerry Falwell surfaced sometime yesterday, but was quickly removed. Water and Vegetables provides a transcript of the video with consent of its creator, on condition that he remain anonymous (he appears below as "Vlogger").

[Vlogger is sitting in front of a Web cam at his desk]

Vlogger: Jerry Falwell died today.
I guess he didn't Feel Well [laughs].
Man, that guy was such a prick. He was always saying people were going to hell.
I bet you're in hell now Jerry Falwell.

[Vlogger stands up, begins beating a pinata with a photo of Falwell pasted onto it]

Vlogger: [In a singsong voice] You are so fat, you are now dead. Die Jerry Falwell die. You suck fatty.

[Pinata breaks]

Vlogger: Ohhh . . . YEAH!

[Vlogger returns to sit in front of his webcam]

[Eats candy]

Vlogger: Mmm this candy is so good . . .
Mmmm . . .
. . .
Moral ma-chocolatey!

So tasty and sweet.

[Vlogger Pauses and looks at candy]

[Vlogger looks back at beaten effigy of Jerry Falwell]

[Drops candy, wipes chocolate from mouth]

Vlogger: Jerry falwell died today.

. . .

I'm sorry.

Against the Use of "Whopping"

From a New York Times article about How Hard It Is To Get Into A Good School:

That is a whopping 50 percent increase in applications over seven years ago and more than 10 times the seats available in a freshman class of 1,150. (emphasis added with bold instead of italics)

"Whopping" - an unoriginal, informal, and generally worthless word - saps any statement's vitality. Besides its informality (and the irritating detail that "to whop" really isn't a thing to do . . . yet), it fails in its attempt to conceal the writer's hunger. A solution that is both more lively and more honest:

That is a hamburgering 50 percent increase in applications over seven years ago and more than 10 times the seats available in a freshman class of 1,150. (emphasis added with bold instead of italics)

Imagine a meat tenderizer wielded by a mighty stack of college applications (fifty percent larger than last year). The stack, clad in Roman body armor, cudgels, muddles, and pestles countless hapless applicants until they look like juicy patties. Then they get shipped off to Hamburger University to do the Roy Krocarena at frat-sponsored dance parties.

It's about time editorial bylaws showed some damn chutzpah. So look alive, confused bastards; there's a new style manual just up the block. Even if it is not yet very extensive, it isn't afraid to wage war, and its name rhymes with "blogger and meta-fables."

I am gonna insist that we can, but I'm not gonna insist that we won't.

Look at the Big Tymers. LOOK AT THEM!

I was going to launch into a big-time joke about a Cash money records spinoff of the Big Tymers called the Egg Tymers, but basically the joke ends there, kind of like when people mention that the Akon song "Don't Matter" sounds exactly like "Remix to Ignition." There's just not that much else to kick around; unless you're Dave Barry or something, you're not going to brainstorm multiple punchlines about a song being the same as another, and the same holds true with Egg Tymers. Maybe you could use Photoshop (by the way is Photoshop the Kleenex of picture-editing software? Holler if you know what the Puffs would be [What if we called Kleenex Puffs? {What if Jesus were eaten by zombies?}]) to graft some eggs onto the necks of Baby Williams and Mannie Fresh. Maybe you could even make a video about the Egg Tymers, using re-tooled lyrics and clever trick photography to create a new rap group whose main concern was eggs, or the fact that their heads were eggs/egg timers, or both, or neither.

You probably shouldn't, but you probably can't resist.

That is the substance of Water and Vegetables.

Rejected Similes

In honor of the endearing Sunday Times Magazine trend piece about bands using Myspace. Reporter Clive Thompson states that when The Hold Steady made a Myspace,

curious fans were drawn in like iron filings to a magnet.

Other possible metaphors that are equally self-evident:

-Like electrons to a proton;
-Like the earth to anything that is denser than air;
-Like siamese twins in the womb.

At least use food, because it is not self-evident and people will be stricken with a new idea for something to eat:

-Like slices of bacon to a plate of scrambled eggs.

JCT: Pretentiousness Turnpike & Information Superhighway (Exit 123A!!)

Perhaps people would say fewer pretentious things if they knew that there were bloggers in close proximity. I am in a coffee shop writing a screenplay [I know, right?!], and this guy who makes the lattes is talking about the aesthetics of the transitory, because he makes these little designs in the coffee before he serves them (which is cool, but, you know, one can always say "It's neat but you can still drink it" instead of riffing about buddhism [a kid who makes a sandcastle is quite familiar with this idea without knowing about transitory aesthetics]).

Little does coffee guy know that I am here to overhear everything he utters and am quite prepared to blogcast it all over the info superhighway. Spread the hate. Bloggers as all-seeing ears on the walls ready to expose ridiculousness in all its forms, including dukes making designs in the foam on lattes.

Update: He photographs the designs on his lattes. Talking about the humidity as it affects photos. Maybe it's just been too long since I hung out in a coffee shop[pe].

Kirk Cameron Update

Scroll down and take a gander at the Youtube embed below, paying close attention when 2:33 remains. The film has been cut, which means it took Killa Cam a couple takes to get across his intricate and intellectually rigorous. Thanks to lil bro for the hot tip.

Show me that stutter.

Wait for the Crocoduck

Cameron's argument in favor of faith contains an enormous logical hole. He points out that evolution does not make sense because the Crocuduck does not exist, which is foolish, as we all know, because although the Crocuduck is extinct, there is documentation of its existence that dates back to the earliest civilizations. A nursery rhyme written on the side of a child's bowl in 800 BC describes the dangers of the crocuduck. It appears here, translated from the Etruscan:

Crocuduck is good to eat.
Crocuduck is good for you.
Stew up some crocuduck.
The crocuduck is not a good pet.
The crocuduck is a danger.
Evade, children, evade the duck-crocked maw.
Eat the crocuduck. Do not
Let it eat you.
Children.

Children.

The religious significance of the crocuduck has been depicted in numerous ancient societies, including the Babylonians and Egyptians. Perhaps it is because of his narrowly Christian perspective that Cameron is not aware of the history of this venerated animal.



Intelligent design or evolution. Phooey. The more important question is, did the crocoduck quack or growl?

New Drinks

Bo-Ring:


Tired of drinking Duck Farts and Blow Jobs all the time, Water and Vegetables brings to you several new drinks to try out the next time you're getting a slant on.

Dick-tini

Martini Glass, Chilled
-Chill 1.5 oz Hypnotiq
-Serve with Lemon, Lime, Cherry, Orange, Banana [!]

Julius Caesar

Shot Glass
-23 plastic toothpicks

Amy Winehouse

House
-Fill house with wine, girls named Amy

Mean Bartender

Pint Glass, Ice
-Fill with water

Cut-off Customer (true story)

Pint Glass
-Fill with piss
-Serve neat

Beaten Puppy

-On second thought, don't make this drink. It is too sad to drink.

Slate Magazine

Highball Glass, Ice
-1 oz rum
-Fill with coke
-Yell at the customer "What REALLY goes in a rum and coke?!"
-Say 500 words to the effect of "Rum and coke go in a rum and coke."

Los Angeles Iced Tea
-This is just iced tea
-Spelled "Ice-T"

Look Back and Laugh

I saw this shirt, albeit with white lettering on green cotton, in front of a Lakewood, WA tavern known as the Green Pup.

I laughed at first at a man so silly and frivolous. His sunglasses were tinted purple like Bono's, and his jeans were so tight as to constrict his movements to a penguin-like walk.

After he passed, though, I had a moment to reflect. His shirt bore an odd familiarity, and I thought I'd caught faint traces of a familiar scent as he passed by. "Red Jeans" by Gianni Versace. Portia! The lying minx had gotten her vixen together behind my back, and with a lowlife metrosexual to boot. My eyes welled up with tears. My mind raced. I felt my pulse reach the Target Heart Rate Zone for cardiovascular exercise. The cheating bitch!

I should have known trouble was coming the day she bought that curious shirt. But how could I have? Worn by her, it was a mere passing joke, punctuated by a painful reminder that its humor was a cheap crackerjack, a fleeting moment's novelty that would soon pass. "Go ahead and laugh / This is [merely] your girlfriend's shirt [and this joke will soon wear thin]." If only I'd known that such malice had been nurtured in Portia's heart. The very premeditation of the act made it the most sick. So I endeavored to hurt her in kind.

I'm Gonna Git You Sucka

Have you ever imagined a vampire movie where the vampire can't find anyone to prey on because he/she is worried about consuming the blood of questionable purity?

Movies, like, are like vampires, right? They don't exist. Or so you thought.

Discuss.

Dick and Jane Learn to Blog

Slugging it out over movie ideas and top-secret projects left little humor in the vats today, so I stirred up a brief iChat conversation to inspire a post (for those that don't know, my buddy icon is a gingerbread man and my friend's is a butterfly):

[Gingerbread Man]: i need a joke
[Butterfly]: 8-)
[Gingerbread Man]: haha
[Gingerbread Man]: nice
[Gingerbread Man]: it's going on the blog
[Butterfly]: this is why i'm hot
[Butterfly]: 8-)
[Gingerbread Man]: 8-)

It could be a children's book. In olden days, kids' books were to teach them to read. In the world of tomorrow (the TOMORROW ZONE) they will teach kids to IM and blog.

Short Film Idea

Someone should make a short movie about a character who compulsively finishes reading whatever he starts.

Key scenes:

Intro voiceover where narrator talks, Memento-style, about his "condition," and the necessary steps he must take to keep himself from starting to read things. These include:

-Flashback shot of the guy throwing away all his books, after he first developed his condition.
-Flip-down shades with opaque lenses for when he's out in the world.
-"How severe is my condition? If I logged on to the Internet, I'd probably die within a couple of days, of starvation."

Flash to scenes documenting his troubles. This can be a quick montage including:

-Running alongside a bus, reading a particularly lengthy advertisement posted on the side.
-Character is on couch in front of TV. Roommate wants to watch TV. Small confrontation, roommate produces a book and sneaks it into character's field of view. Character begins reading, mutters "dammit." Roommate takes remote.
-Scene at work. Character sitting at desk with two large piles of paper. After character finishes reading a sheet of paper, he flips it over to the other pile. Boss approaches, asks why memos haven't been passed out yet. Character replies, "It'll be a couple more hours. I'm passing them out as fast as I can."
-On a date with a girl in a restaurant. Waiter comes by, character is reading wine list.
Waiter: "Have you decided yet?"
Character: "I'll need a few more minutes."

Weightlifting Tips

-Always lift more than you should. Fitness "experts" make safety rules to keep you from getting as strong as you could be.
-Cool confidence translates to weightlifting success. Soak yourself in a tub of ice water before pumping the iron.
-Do not use pumps (air, water, penis) on dumbbells. This is a silly idea.
-Hate going to the gym? Get a job lifting heavy objects (e.g. throwing rocks at birds). This way you kill two birds with one stone.
-Ladies love muscles, but they also love guys who smoke. Smoking hurts more than going to the gym in the long term ,but it is also much more habit-forming.

Family Recipe Idea

During an otherwise ordinary attempt at making a chicken sandwich for lunch today, my eyes settled briefly on the eggs posted up on the shelf in the fridge. This begs the question: are there any recipes combining chicken with eggs? It'd be kind of like eating a whole family at once.

According to an extremely brief, Google search, soulful/southern Americans, the Greeks, and the Portuguese (at the very minimum) engage in this form of culinary incest already. To the great pantheon of family cuisine, I am privileged to offer the following recipes.

Chicken with Eggs.

1 chicken breast
3 to 5 eggs

Grill chicken breast. Scramble eggs. Eat that mess all together on a single plate/platter. Serves 1.

Coming up: Hamburger sandwich. Only instead of bread, we use veal.



These cows are British. Does that make a difference to you? Because it shouldn't.

Also: The Greeks cook roosters as well.