Against the Use of "Whopping"

From a New York Times article about How Hard It Is To Get Into A Good School:

That is a whopping 50 percent increase in applications over seven years ago and more than 10 times the seats available in a freshman class of 1,150. (emphasis added with bold instead of italics)

"Whopping" - an unoriginal, informal, and generally worthless word - saps any statement's vitality. Besides its informality (and the irritating detail that "to whop" really isn't a thing to do . . . yet), it fails in its attempt to conceal the writer's hunger. A solution that is both more lively and more honest:

That is a hamburgering 50 percent increase in applications over seven years ago and more than 10 times the seats available in a freshman class of 1,150. (emphasis added with bold instead of italics)

Imagine a meat tenderizer wielded by a mighty stack of college applications (fifty percent larger than last year). The stack, clad in Roman body armor, cudgels, muddles, and pestles countless hapless applicants until they look like juicy patties. Then they get shipped off to Hamburger University to do the Roy Krocarena at frat-sponsored dance parties.

It's about time editorial bylaws showed some damn chutzpah. So look alive, confused bastards; there's a new style manual just up the block. Even if it is not yet very extensive, it isn't afraid to wage war, and its name rhymes with "blogger and meta-fables."

JCT: Pretentiousness Turnpike & Information Superhighway (Exit 123A!!)

Perhaps people would say fewer pretentious things if they knew that there were bloggers in close proximity. I am in a coffee shop writing a screenplay [I know, right?!], and this guy who makes the lattes is talking about the aesthetics of the transitory, because he makes these little designs in the coffee before he serves them (which is cool, but, you know, one can always say "It's neat but you can still drink it" instead of riffing about buddhism [a kid who makes a sandcastle is quite familiar with this idea without knowing about transitory aesthetics]).

Little does coffee guy know that I am here to overhear everything he utters and am quite prepared to blogcast it all over the info superhighway. Spread the hate. Bloggers as all-seeing ears on the walls ready to expose ridiculousness in all its forms, including dukes making designs in the foam on lattes.

Update: He photographs the designs on his lattes. Talking about the humidity as it affects photos. Maybe it's just been too long since I hung out in a coffee shop[pe].

Wait for the Crocoduck

Cameron's argument in favor of faith contains an enormous logical hole. He points out that evolution does not make sense because the Crocuduck does not exist, which is foolish, as we all know, because although the Crocuduck is extinct, there is documentation of its existence that dates back to the earliest civilizations. A nursery rhyme written on the side of a child's bowl in 800 BC describes the dangers of the crocuduck. It appears here, translated from the Etruscan:

Crocuduck is good to eat.
Crocuduck is good for you.
Stew up some crocuduck.
The crocuduck is not a good pet.
The crocuduck is a danger.
Evade, children, evade the duck-crocked maw.
Eat the crocuduck. Do not
Let it eat you.
Children.

Children.

The religious significance of the crocuduck has been depicted in numerous ancient societies, including the Babylonians and Egyptians. Perhaps it is because of his narrowly Christian perspective that Cameron is not aware of the history of this venerated animal.



Intelligent design or evolution. Phooey. The more important question is, did the crocoduck quack or growl?

New Drinks

Bo-Ring:


Tired of drinking Duck Farts and Blow Jobs all the time, Water and Vegetables brings to you several new drinks to try out the next time you're getting a slant on.

Dick-tini

Martini Glass, Chilled
-Chill 1.5 oz Hypnotiq
-Serve with Lemon, Lime, Cherry, Orange, Banana [!]

Julius Caesar

Shot Glass
-23 plastic toothpicks

Amy Winehouse

House
-Fill house with wine, girls named Amy

Mean Bartender

Pint Glass, Ice
-Fill with water

Cut-off Customer (true story)

Pint Glass
-Fill with piss
-Serve neat

Beaten Puppy

-On second thought, don't make this drink. It is too sad to drink.

Slate Magazine

Highball Glass, Ice
-1 oz rum
-Fill with coke
-Yell at the customer "What REALLY goes in a rum and coke?!"
-Say 500 words to the effect of "Rum and coke go in a rum and coke."

Los Angeles Iced Tea
-This is just iced tea
-Spelled "Ice-T"

Dick and Jane Learn to Blog

Slugging it out over movie ideas and top-secret projects left little humor in the vats today, so I stirred up a brief iChat conversation to inspire a post (for those that don't know, my buddy icon is a gingerbread man and my friend's is a butterfly):

[Gingerbread Man]: i need a joke
[Butterfly]: 8-)
[Gingerbread Man]: haha
[Gingerbread Man]: nice
[Gingerbread Man]: it's going on the blog
[Butterfly]: this is why i'm hot
[Butterfly]: 8-)
[Gingerbread Man]: 8-)

It could be a children's book. In olden days, kids' books were to teach them to read. In the world of tomorrow (the TOMORROW ZONE) they will teach kids to IM and blog.

Family Recipe Idea

During an otherwise ordinary attempt at making a chicken sandwich for lunch today, my eyes settled briefly on the eggs posted up on the shelf in the fridge. This begs the question: are there any recipes combining chicken with eggs? It'd be kind of like eating a whole family at once.

According to an extremely brief, Google search, soulful/southern Americans, the Greeks, and the Portuguese (at the very minimum) engage in this form of culinary incest already. To the great pantheon of family cuisine, I am privileged to offer the following recipes.

Chicken with Eggs.

1 chicken breast
3 to 5 eggs

Grill chicken breast. Scramble eggs. Eat that mess all together on a single plate/platter. Serves 1.

Coming up: Hamburger sandwich. Only instead of bread, we use veal.



These cows are British. Does that make a difference to you? Because it shouldn't.

Also: The Greeks cook roosters as well.