I am gonna insist that we can, but I'm not gonna insist that we won't.

Look at the Big Tymers. LOOK AT THEM!

I was going to launch into a big-time joke about a Cash money records spinoff of the Big Tymers called the Egg Tymers, but basically the joke ends there, kind of like when people mention that the Akon song "Don't Matter" sounds exactly like "Remix to Ignition." There's just not that much else to kick around; unless you're Dave Barry or something, you're not going to brainstorm multiple punchlines about a song being the same as another, and the same holds true with Egg Tymers. Maybe you could use Photoshop (by the way is Photoshop the Kleenex of picture-editing software? Holler if you know what the Puffs would be [What if we called Kleenex Puffs? {What if Jesus were eaten by zombies?}]) to graft some eggs onto the necks of Baby Williams and Mannie Fresh. Maybe you could even make a video about the Egg Tymers, using re-tooled lyrics and clever trick photography to create a new rap group whose main concern was eggs, or the fact that their heads were eggs/egg timers, or both, or neither.

You probably shouldn't, but you probably can't resist.

That is the substance of Water and Vegetables.

Rejected Similes

In honor of the endearing Sunday Times Magazine trend piece about bands using Myspace. Reporter Clive Thompson states that when The Hold Steady made a Myspace,

curious fans were drawn in like iron filings to a magnet.

Other possible metaphors that are equally self-evident:

-Like electrons to a proton;
-Like the earth to anything that is denser than air;
-Like siamese twins in the womb.

At least use food, because it is not self-evident and people will be stricken with a new idea for something to eat:

-Like slices of bacon to a plate of scrambled eggs.

Family Recipe Idea

During an otherwise ordinary attempt at making a chicken sandwich for lunch today, my eyes settled briefly on the eggs posted up on the shelf in the fridge. This begs the question: are there any recipes combining chicken with eggs? It'd be kind of like eating a whole family at once.

According to an extremely brief, Google search, soulful/southern Americans, the Greeks, and the Portuguese (at the very minimum) engage in this form of culinary incest already. To the great pantheon of family cuisine, I am privileged to offer the following recipes.

Chicken with Eggs.

1 chicken breast
3 to 5 eggs

Grill chicken breast. Scramble eggs. Eat that mess all together on a single plate/platter. Serves 1.

Coming up: Hamburger sandwich. Only instead of bread, we use veal.



These cows are British. Does that make a difference to you? Because it shouldn't.

Also: The Greeks cook roosters as well.